Tips to ease the return of going back to school for both kids and parents.
Kirk was starting first grade and Abby was heading for third. Their father had taken the day off for back-to-school shopping, having loved this ritual as a kid, and he just assumed his kids would, likewise. He was shocked when they turned him down. Abby: "I just don't want to get ready yet, Dad. If you think it's so fun, you can go yourself."
Your kids are balancing a seesaw of emotions right now. If they've had a typical summer, they've grown both physically and emotionally, mastered new skills, thrived from summer's freedom and space, and taken some risks that earned them bruises, self-regard, or both. But as Abby and Kirk vividly demonstrated, feelings also can be mixed about heading back.
They're excited about the new leaf/fresh start, new teacher/new friend combos. But they are also worried that old troubles (both academic and social) will follow them across the Labor Day divide. Academic stuff that doesn't come quite as easily as it seems to for others, social pecking-order scars, and worries that mom and dad will be watching like hawks (vultures?) again. Still, most kids keep their balance nicely with the help of childhood's inherent hope and fresh confidence that this will be a good year.
Parents are often surprised by the intensity of what they themselves feel about this mass migration. Bittersweet seems to be the taste of it. We are pleased—even proud—that our kids can still scrub up pretty good, and reassured that their optimism still peeks out for some fresh air. But we, too, worry that success will not quite be their brass ring this year. Yes, our kids are growing like weeds, and they need us less every year at the gate of the schoolyard. Yet as they seek less reassurance from us, we begin to feel increasingly under-employed in a job we've come to feel is the most important thing we'll ever do in this world, and that can sting. We might even feel a twinge of envy as they step into a new chapter of their lives; in comparison, our plans for fall seem threadbare.
Their worries, added to ours, can be a powerful mix. Typically these just stay worries, and a little worry can be useful. It mobilizes our wits, skills, and cunning. Research into motivation and problem-solving abilities tells us that it is not the size or nature of the problem faced by a child, nor her age, gender, or family history that predicts how she'll do when faced with a challenge. The most important single predictor of mastery is the child's belief that she can handle it, whatever it is. So a little worry about whether she can handle school this year is a healthy form of worry, as long as it stays a worry and not an avalanche. And that is exactly where parents come in by:
1) reinforcing that the child has the "stuff" in her to do okay; and
2) reminding her of past challenges she's faced and mastered.
The child's own belief that it will work out gets a strong assist from these reassurances.